Funny Quotes

Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.

Turn up the lights. I don’t want to go home in the dark.

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

I’m undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek?

He looks as though he’s been weaned on a pickle.

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent.

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.