Funny Quotes

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

California is a fine place to live – if you happen to be an orange.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is.

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.