Funny Quotes

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.

Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.

Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder?

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.