Funny Quotes

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they’re home. I’m that way at Saks.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

One man’s folly is another man’s wife.

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.

A word to the wise is infuriating.

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.

Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.

If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.