Funny Quotes

I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.

Let’s have some new cliches.

As far as I’m concerned, ‘whom’ is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.

I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.

I’m going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.

Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know.

I rant, therefore I am.

Too much agreement kills a chat.

So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

If at first you don’t succeed, blame your parents.

Every man’s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.