Funny Quotes

After all is said and done, sit down.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I’m afraid it did.

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I’d been up all night inventing the Camcorder.

There’s a great power in words, if you don’t hitch too many of them together.

Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I’m for whatever gets you through the night.

Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise.