Funny Quotes

He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.

I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.

Every man has a sane spot somewhere.

Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

I don’t deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.

Instant gratification takes too long.

I love fools’ experiments. I am always making them.

I’m an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.

If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.