Funny Quotes

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.

When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

To be or not to be. That’s not really a question.

Communism is like one big phone company.

I own and operate a ferocious ego.

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I’ve ever met.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.