Funny Quotes

I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

Only the mediocre are always at their best.

I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.

If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.